Friday, March 19, 2010

simple. uncomplicated.

My blog posts have been heavy with emotion lately. I could have written more heavy stuff. Like about disappointment...but, nah! I decided to make a card instead, to remember the things I am grateful for. And the people. This one's for you. I thought I'd do something fancy but in the end this was all that was needed. Super simple. I can't believe I made this but it was just what I needed. Uncomplicated.

I used stuff from My Mind's Eye 'Quite Contrary" range & WMRK's 'Vintage Blue'.(available after our sale at smidapaper) Just that & a stamp from Ali Edward's for Technique Tuesday. And of course Distress Ink. Let's say it 'de stress'. Maybe I should go back to serious. Happy Friday!

last friday =)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am scheduled to be at my desk. Not this desk in my room, where I read my e mail and plan my day, and write, but my 'other' desk. In my office. The one with unopened mail (I only open mail once a week when I can process it immediately), piles of paper, folders with stuff to act on... that desk. The control center. Of our 2 businesses, and household stuff. You know, bills, budgets, school stuff etc.

So I'm not at my desk.

I was gathering stuff to go there, but I stopped to pray. For grace. Strength.
Last year we moved to fulfill our dream of working and living in one place. It was a bad idea. Proof that overthinking leads to bad decisions. Next month we will move back to the home that we love. I used to get tired just thinking about things like that. I used to say 'I'm tired' a lot. Being sick for a great part of the last ten years, I 'collected ' a lot of baggage. There was a time I would only make one appointment a day. Because I was sick. I had to rest.

Things began to change a couple of years ago. Lessons in the dark. Things that would not make as much sense in the light of day. This time I refer to (to myself) as my 'grieving' period. So ensued the whole process of mourning for my health (and the self I will never be again), a relationship crumbled and losing my shop (and another huge part of who I was). In grieving , one is redefined. I am grateful for the voices of my teachers, "You think too much", "Don't take things so seriously", and a 16 year old voice, "You want it or not?"

Before I went away for Chinese New Year, I held the hope that there would be a new beginning. In a place that I dreamed I'd one day be, these words became the fitting end to my mourning. 'Don't hold on to the outcome.' In other words, surrender.

Surrender being victory.

So we keep moving. (not just literally, ha ha) Hopefully discarding our excess baggage along the way. Life happens. Good & bad stuff, not because God is punishing us, because everything is a result of the free will that we were given. Choices. Making those very choices a huge responsibility.

What's a person to do then, but the best we can, and then, don't hold on to the outcome. Let go. Surrender.

If you're reading this and 'mourning' for something in your life, I pray comfort & life into your situation. Be blessed. It is going to be well.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

where on earth am I going?

So the dream is about to become real. Then there's what really is real. The work that is in between . 4 months to do all the preparation. Don't count on help. I find myself asking this question, "What on earth are you doing?" & "Where are you going?" Sounds like cold feet. =) Okay, have to stay positive. My moleskine isn't going to do it for me anymore. I dug out an old ring binder, with 10 tabs. This afternoon I will list my roles & tasks into broad categories and start listing my to dos in an organized fashion.

Better get cracking!

I've also been working on a new format for scrapbooking classes. Coming up real soon. It's looking like we can start mid April. So much excitement I think I might faint.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

of midlife, art & rice fields

So I took a break! From the 19th of December.It was busy in other ways but I didn't work.I packed my bags for short trips away from home at least 5 times, visited and was visited by a bunch of people. Made peace with my mom, lost my favourite aunt. Read a lot. Cooked on more than 3 occassions. (ok, maybe 2)Surprisingly I didn't write very much. I did yoga, a ballet workout (don't laugh, it was in the privacy of my room to a dvd by the New York City Ballet), weights,cycled, walked, tore a ligament in my foot...
By the 2nd week I was starting to make some decisions. I had to check myself. Tell myself I didn't have to . Yet. I had time. My bills were all prepared by the 3rd week of the month. I started to think to myself, 'if this is midlife, might I live to be 95?'(smile)

Sometimes I worry that life will pass and I will not have done all the things I wanted to do. Sometimes I think that I'm just so tired and I need to rest. I used to think that a lot. Somehow, lately, I've been blessed with an extra portion of energy. I don't know when this happened or why but I'm suddenly not tired anymore. At all. Funny. So if this is midlife, and I have a whole other half of my life to live, I can rest later. Interesting revelation.

So I took a break, for almost 2 months. Then someone opened a new door to a dream I had but had shut away.

We went away for Chinese New Year. The first time we've ever done this. Something I'd been hoping to do for a long time. So this little hope took me to a place I'd dreamed of. 5 years ago I went to this site online and bookmarked it. I said I wanted to go there sometime and watch the sun go down on the rice fields. When I walked through those fields I could barely contain myself. I dreamed about it and there I was. It took a little while, sure, but I was there.

We saw a lot of art. Bought some , met some artists. Ate a lot. Had the best time. I came back ready to go back to work. 2 months off is a huge gift. My energy remains, my spirit is soaring as I stand in front of the new door. Almost ready to turn the knob. Almost ready to take a giant leap of faith , into something big & new & seriously exciting. The adventure just waiting, like a big green dragon, waiting to raise it's head and take me on it's wings, seeming to say, let me take you into whatever you dared to dream.
I think I'll rest later.