Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am scheduled to be at my desk. Not this desk in my room, where I read my e mail and plan my day, and write, but my 'other' desk. In my office. The one with unopened mail (I only open mail once a week when I can process it immediately), piles of paper, folders with stuff to act on... that desk. The control center. Of our 2 businesses, and household stuff. You know, bills, budgets, school stuff etc.

So I'm not at my desk.

I was gathering stuff to go there, but I stopped to pray. For grace. Strength.
Last year we moved to fulfill our dream of working and living in one place. It was a bad idea. Proof that overthinking leads to bad decisions. Next month we will move back to the home that we love. I used to get tired just thinking about things like that. I used to say 'I'm tired' a lot. Being sick for a great part of the last ten years, I 'collected ' a lot of baggage. There was a time I would only make one appointment a day. Because I was sick. I had to rest.

Things began to change a couple of years ago. Lessons in the dark. Things that would not make as much sense in the light of day. This time I refer to (to myself) as my 'grieving' period. So ensued the whole process of mourning for my health (and the self I will never be again), a relationship crumbled and losing my shop (and another huge part of who I was). In grieving , one is redefined. I am grateful for the voices of my teachers, "You think too much", "Don't take things so seriously", and a 16 year old voice, "You want it or not?"

Before I went away for Chinese New Year, I held the hope that there would be a new beginning. In a place that I dreamed I'd one day be, these words became the fitting end to my mourning. 'Don't hold on to the outcome.' In other words, surrender.

Surrender being victory.

So we keep moving. (not just literally, ha ha) Hopefully discarding our excess baggage along the way. Life happens. Good & bad stuff, not because God is punishing us, because everything is a result of the free will that we were given. Choices. Making those very choices a huge responsibility.

What's a person to do then, but the best we can, and then, don't hold on to the outcome. Let go. Surrender.

If you're reading this and 'mourning' for something in your life, I pray comfort & life into your situation. Be blessed. It is going to be well.

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