We went out with a man, the first night of Chinese New Year. He likes his glass of wine, we don't, not so much but in an attempt to work at our relationship, we thought that we would do this. After trudging up and down, looking for a place to settle we ended up in a German restaurant/ bar. We sat there and talked , the lot of us and we didn't realize we talked until 1.30am. And then we left, everyone to their respective homes.
Something troubled me. This man ,who analyzes everyone, including those who weren't present, did not know what happiness was. He said he was non emotional. Even when he won awards for his achievements , he just expected it.
I wondered if he did not feel just a tiny bit happy when he married his wife, after waiting for 20 years. Or when his son was born. When someone brought him his favourite food ? Maybe? Just a tad? It troubled me and made me sad. I tried to imagine living to 60 and not knowing ...
I'm reading a book. For a long time I've not read a book. Usually my nose is stuck into a trade magazine or Oprah. I start books I never finish and I have to stop myself in a bookstore, so as not to add another unread tome to my already overcrowded bookshelves. But lately I've been feeling somewhat lonely, like I'm surrounded by people who don't share the same goals as I have, that I'm doing what I'm doing all alone. I missed God. And I wanted to commune with someone who knew what I was about, who knew my thoughts and my dreams and I wanted to be reminded of His gentleness and His majesty. So I went and bought a book. Ming recommended it. It's called , "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller.
Having been extremely busy to the point where working at our desks until 3am is a necessity , my senses and perception have been dulled, so reading a book is one more task, one more' to do'. One of my favourite verses ever is this: 'You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart'. God, ever true to His character, found me. He heard. And I found both His majesty and his gentleness in the pages of this book. After 3am, after the paperwork, sitting out on the terrace, even for 10 minutes before the workday begins and today, one ordinary Sunday, being moved like I've not been moved in ever so long by the beauty of Donald Miller's words and the gentle instruction , first a soft wind and then a huge gush that lifted me out of the tired depth of my overcrowded, unbalanced existence . Words have power, especially when He bends down to breathe His spirit into those words.
I write this blog for no one. I don't expect an audience and I don't mince my words. I write for me. Because I like to write. So if someone is reading, this is going to be a long one because I'm in the mood.
Some things in the book struck me. Almost like a lightning bolt. One, 'make every effort to keep the bonds of peace...', hey, I know this one. I say it a lot to my kids. make every effort to be at peace with ALL men. and yet... Then, 'love one another...' seems to be a theme here. Stirring to say the least. But today I was transported to the time when God created Adam, when he was lonely and God did not immediately make him a helpmate. Instead God told him to name the animals , which I realize wasn't as simple as all that and might have taken him at least a hundred years, all the while being lonely. I felt the vibration of the mighty river that fed the Cush and the Euphrates, the beauty of the very place that God chose for His much loved creation, man. But still I was not prepared for the way I felt when I 'saw' how He put Adam to sleep , took one of his ribs and made for him the perfect mate.
How Adam must have felt when he first saw her, and he said 'flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones...(Gen 2.23) Wow! That God created for Adam a perfect mate. Would you look at the person that was created for you, after the loneliness and the longing for such a person, would you look at that person with carelessness? After He went and chose the most perfect being exclusively for you, would you not cherish that person to your very last breath?
I stopped reading my book. Some things take a while to process. Some things need to be thought over. I am happy just having these thoughts swirling around for a while.
I've also been thinking about all the floods and the storms and the governments being overthrown. All these things happened when I was a child. I was afraid then. I would worry about my Dad when he traveled. I would have nightmares about him being hurt. Now these things are still happening, only more frequently. I wonder what it means and while I'm not sure, I know that in these times, the things that matter is loving one another, loving your brother and your sister and your neighbour... and fearing God, even though He says that He loves us ,because He is so awesome , so 'other' . I pray His hand of protection will never leave you, or me.